Anyways, I thought it might be nice if I tol Katie’s birth story. See, I wuz almost 4 yeers ol when Mom brought Katie home. It wuz me an my broder, Grady, who lived here. I wuz in charge, like I always iz, an Mom didn’t even come ask me if I wanted a new puppy! She jest brought it home! Sheesh!
Well, Katie wuz sick. She looked all scrawny an ribs stickin’ out an everyting. I sed, “Mom, take it back! It’z defective! It’z contagious! It looks like it’z gonna croak any minute!” Mom sed, “Shh, Jazzy. This little girl has had a hard life already and we’re going to help her get better and give her a great new home.” I wuz totally disgusted Mom didn’t listen to my advice. But den she explained everyting about Katie. She sed she was born into a little of 12 puppies. Ten of da puppies got Parvo and died. One puppy didn’t get it. An Katie got it, but she survived. Dat wuz whut Mom said tol her she had to take Katie.
See, Mom’s oder Doberman, Tyler, gots parvo wen he wuz a puppy, too. An he survived. So Mom felt like it wuz a sign dat she shud get Katie. Now here’s da ting. See, da lady who had all des puppies…she called Mom up an sed, “I have a pup that you need to look at.” Well, Mom sed no. She cudn’t afford it right now. She didn’t need anoder dog. But da lady sed, “Just come look at her.” So Mom did an ewe nos how dat turned out! Da lady tol Mom she didn’t want no money for her, she wanted to gif Katie to her so she wud haf a good home.
So Katie comes home. She wuz barely bigger dan me! She wuz young an dumb. Grady took one look at her an sed, “Ewe haf got to be kidding me?!” Akshully, it sounded more like, “What the hell….?!” But dis is supposed to be a PG blog, so Mom tol me to cut da rest of da cusswords dat Grady sed.
So Katie fitted right in frum da beginning. I meen, she looked like me an Grady. Had da same colors an all. But boy, wuz she dumb! She runned round like a crazy dog haf da time! She barked at everyting! She ated everyting! Which made Mom haf to spend money ’cause she ated a bunch of tree limbs an it gaf her da runs like nobody’s business! Mom wuz not happy cleanin’ up all dat poo, I can tell ewe that!
She pestered Grady sumthin’ awful! She pestered ME sumthin’ awful! She tried to sleep in my bed! See her in da pikchur! Mom akshully let her do it, too. She sed I had to be nice ’cause Katie had a hard life. Whutever! I had a hard life, too! I meen, I wuz less dan one pound wen I wuz born, I wuz sick, an dey didn’t tink I wud make it either. But Mom seemed to forget all dat! She sed I had to play nice wid Katie an make her feel welcome. I made her feel welcome, all right! I bited her in da patootie every chance I got!
So, I asked Mom, “How did ewe come up wid da name Katie?” She sed it was after her favorite Star Trek character within a character. I wuz like, “Oh, God! Here we go wid da Star Trek stuff again!” See, I wuz named after Jadzia Dax from Star Trek Deep Space Nine. Egad! So, I hads to be polite an I sed, “Gee, Mom…tell me da story how ewe named Katie, pweeze?!” I wuz seriously weady to hurl, but figgered I better be nice if I wanted a treat. She said, “Well, Jazzy, I really liked Star Trek Voyager. And I liked the episode when they introduced Fair Haven, a holographic town. One of the characters in it was called ‘Katie O’Clair’ played by Captain Katherine Janeway, who just happened to be played by Kate Mulgrew in real life.” Note dat I am gaggin’ at dis point, but I tried to remain attentive an interested.
She continued, “So, since I have named all my Dobermans ‘Baron’ as the first part of their name and Grady’s last name was ‘O’Malley’ and that’s rather fitting for the little Irish village of Fair Haven, I’m going to call her Baroness Katie O’Malley. What do you think?”
I pulled myself from my stupor an sed, “Gee, Mom…whut an interesting story! Kan I haf a treat now?” I don’t tink she appreciated my sarcasm at dat point.
So the wittle skinny puppy became Katie. I quickly changed it to Dopey Katie because she acted so dumb on occasion! Plus it has a nice ring to it. Jazzy the Amazing Wiener. Dopey Katie. It’s appropriate!
Grady weally liked Katie, not dat he wud admit it to jest anyone. He tol me ‘cuz we wuz tight. He sed, “Ewe no, Jazz, I weally do kinda like da wittle whippersnapper.” Well, whut he akshully sed was, “Jazz, Katie is a pain in the
ass, but I think she’ll turn out to be an okay Dobe. Continue the family line and all.” Again, Mom tol me to keep it kleen, so I bleeped out all da bad words!
Katie growed up to be a weally nice dog an I jest don’t say dat ’cause she’s like a hunnerd times bigger dan me. She donut let anyone mess wid me. She takes weally good care of me. Like, da oder day, Maggie Monster an Big Head (dat’s Xena the Pit Bull) were startin’ to play weally crazy on da couch in da living room. Katie wuz layin’ by Mom an she saw me headin’ towards da livin’ room. She growled at me an dat’s her way of tellin’ me it’z not safe in da living room. At first, Mom wud get onto her for doing it ‘cuz she thought Katie wuz beeing meen to me. But Mom finally figgered out dat wuz Katie’s way of warning me off ‘cuz she only did it when de oder girls were playin’ ruff. Dat’s purty smart, if ewe ask me. But if ewe tell her I sed she wuz smart, I will deny it forever! For a Doberman, however, she iz a purty smart dog. A heck of a lot smarter dan Maggie Monster an Big Head!
Katie gots into da modeling bidness wid me for Mom’s TylerDog Pet Greeting Cards. But I had to show her da ropes. I tol her, “See, Katie, ewe gots to wurk it like this. Refuse to pose until ewe get da treat. If ewe pose first, she will make ewe do all kinds of stuff before ewe ever get one stinkin’ treat!” Katie didn’t belief me at first, but den she saw how Mom wuz, so she tried it. But dat dumb Doberman wants to pweeze Mom so bad, she almost always furgets an doesn’t get as many treats as I do.
I also had to tell Katie, “Look. Ewe may be da new kid on da block, but I am da reigning sales queen at TylerDog. So, don’t tink jest ’cause ewe are a cute puppy an all dat ewe will take over my spot!” Da first yeer dat Mom sold Katie’s cards, she did purty good, but I still sold more dan she did. Now everytime Mom has a photo shoot, we fight to see who gets on da table first. It’s not fair ‘cuz Katie jumps up der an I can’t quite jump dat far! I tol her, “Next time ewe jump in front of me, ewe big dopey Doberman, I’m gonna bite ur foot off!” I even posted a blog entry showing how meen she kan be! Oh, wait…maybe dat wuz me beeing meen an baring my teeth. Well, nevermind!
So, anyway, happy birthday Dopey….uh…sweet Katie. I wish ewe many, many more!
Jazzy the Amazing Wiener