Lily Had Puppies!
Hey, all ewe wiener lovers! Ur not gonna belief whut happened tonight!
My pet, Lily, had puppies!!!! I’m offishully an Ant!!!
Here’s my podcast to tell ewe all about it an I haf pikchurs below of da new puppies, too!
WienerBites Episode 2
(iPhone users click album art to play)
See, about a month ago, Mom got a phone call frum da Spy. I nos I shud call da Spy by her name, Angela, but she tells on me when I haf parties an stuff, so I calls her da Spy. Anyways, da Spy called an sed to Mom, “Ewe gots to come down to my wurk. Der’s a little lost dog dat’s been out here in da parking lot an it’s gonna get runned over.” Well, da Spy might haf talked a little bedder dan I type, but ewe nos whut I meen.
Anyways, Mom went an got da wittle dog. It was a Boston Terrier and da minute I saw her, I sed to Mom, “Kan we keep her?!” Mom sed no. But obviously dat’s changed ’cause now Lily lives wid us and she’s my pet and she had puppies!
See, we didn’t nos dat Lily was pregnant when we rescued her! We twied to find her an owner, but no one wanted her. So Mom an da Spy kept her an she fit in nicely ’cause she kleened my ears an pestered Katie all da time. Dat makes her all wight in my book!
Anyways, I noticed she was getting a wittle fat one day an I even sed to her, “Hey, Lily, ur kinda turning into a wittle porker. Maybe knock off da tweats, okay?” But none of us thought she was gonna haf babies! But she did, she did, she did! Dis meens dat I am now offishully Jazzy the Amazing Wiener who’s an Ant!!!
Here’s sum pikchurs I took wid Mom’s iPhone of da babies…
Lily and her babies
An da Spy took one of da first baby. It was a wittle girl. Da next one was a wittle boy!
Little Girl Puppy #1
It’s so wittle! I don’t tink I was quite dat little! Mom an da Spy haf Lily all settled down, so da babies cud nurse, which dey are doing. An dey squeak! When dey squeak, Katie shakes an twies to climb into Mom’s lap! It kwacks me up!!! I laffed at her for being such a big scaredy Doberman!
Anyways, dat’s whut happened tonight. An I haf to say, da Spy is all wight in my book. See, da Doktor tol her dat Lily wud haf died ’cause she cudn’t haf da puppies normal ’cause dey was too big. So dey had to do a see-section, whutever dat is. An because da Spy saved Lily in da parking lot, she also saved da puppies, too. So, I wants to say dat I weally do tink ur okay, Ange, even if ewe are a Spy! Ur an official “Wiener,” an only special tweeps get to be Wieners!
Also, Mom sed dat der were a lots of peeps dat helped tonight, ‘specially her students dat put up wid her being kinda crazy during class. I wanna tell Bill an Camden dat dey are A-OK in my book an I am gonna make dem offishul “Wieners” for being der for Lily. Mom sed we shud name da puppies Billy an Camden ’cause dey helped out! An to Gary K. for drivin’ over to make sure da Spy didn’t pass out, even tho dey had alweady left. Tanks, G-man, for twyin’ to help, too! Ur a Wiener in my book, too!
Whew! Whut a night! Dat’s a lot for a little wiener like me to take in, so I tink I’ll call it a night! Hopes all ewe haf a gweat day an I’ll catch ya on da flip side!
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WienerBites is podcasting live!
Hey, all ewe wiener lovers! Guess whut, guess whut, guess whut?!?!
Guessed it yet?!
Mom finally let me start doing my own podcast! Yeppers, dat’s wight! I’m now offishull ~ I gots my own WienerBites radio show! I’m like gonna be big like, I don’t no, maybe Howard Stern minus all da stoopid an dirty stuff he says. Maybe I’ll jest be big like a radio version of Oprah or Ellen! Not dat I’m live on da radio, but it’s da next best ting to being here wid me! I gets to talk about anyting I want an Mom promised to post da tings I say in a podcast! So dis meens ewe gets to hear Jazzy the Amazing Wiener talk! So, if ewe haf always wondered, “Hmm, I wunner whut Jazzy sounds like!” Well, now ewe nos!
Mom even made me an offishul album cover. Here it is…
WienerBites Episode 1
(iPhone users click album art to play)
Now, anytime ewe see dis album cover wid da headphones icon, ewe nos all ewe gotta do is click it and listen to a new podcast! I’ll also post old episodes on da blog in de Archives once we get sum.
Is dis kool or whut?! How many wieners ewe no dat haf their own podcast?! I wunner if we could change it to “wienercast?!”
Mom sed she’d also start lettin’ me do sum video, but it wud take awhile ’cause she don’t haf time to do all dis for me all da time. I tol her, “Mom, look, now I nos ewe got a bidness to run, but come on…who’s gonna make ewe famous?! It’s not Katie an it’s not Lily…it’s me! I’m da famous one, Mom. Me. I’m da one who gets fan mail. I got tweeps. I gots followers. Don’t ewe tink dat maybe ewe shud make time for me?!”
Once again, Mom jest looked at me an sighed. I herd her mutter sumting about, “Stinkin’ little wiener’s got da big hed…” or sumtin like dat. I don’t no whut dat meens, but my hed’s not big at all. Now Katie’s hed was big an Grady’s was, too, but I gots a little wiener hed. I tink Mom needs to check her glasses!
Anyways, I jest wanted to let ewe all no dat I’ll be talkin’ to ewe all now!
Coming up next…
Yes, I wemember dat I was supposed to tell more of my birth story and I promise I will. I also haf to tell ewe about my new pet, Lily. I gots my own pet! Isn’t dat kool? Anyways, I gots to go, but I luv ewe all an will be back soon!
Jazzy in the Country
Hey, all ewe wiener lovers! We’re baaack!
Dis blog is all about our trip to da kountry! We went to Arkansas to see Mamaw, Papaw, and Nanny, which was kool ’cause Mamaw cooks weally good food, Papaw tinks we’re cute, and Nanny jest loves us to death! But seriously, we gots sum stuff to say about da kountry!
Like, for one, haf dey ever herd of a lawnmower?! I mean, look at my pikchur below!
Tail Rudder Navigation
Going to The Barn
Next ting ewe know, Mom gets dis bright idea to go to de barn. Now, keep in mind, I am a wittle wiener! Walkin’ to da refrigerator is my idea of a long walk. Da barn has to be, I don’t know, like a million miles from da house! Well, maybe not a million, but at least a mile or two. Okay, maybe not even a mile, more like a long football field, but still! I’m wittle! My legs are short! I not a Greyhound, peeple!
I start out hoppin’ like a wabbit, which Mom tinks is cute an takes a ton of pikchurs. Cute my butt! Dis is hard work for my wittle legs! But I’ll show her! I keep going, den I finally find a break in da grass, kick up some speed, and zoom, der I go, tail still in da wind!
Making a Break!
Oh, I digress. Sorry…
Resting before entering The Barn
Do ewe know what was in da barn?! Do you?! Ewe haf any stinkin’ idea whut my Mom dragged my patootie to?! A dusty, hay-filled, spider-lovin barn filled full of cobwebs, dirt, wood, and did I mention dirt?! I never sawed so much dirt in my life! Not one stinkin’ cow in sight, peeple! No milk! An sure as heck, no ice cream! I did all dat wunning for nothing!
Oh, and do ewe tink dat Mom wud pick me up and carry me back to da house?! Oh, no! She made me hop back jest like I went ’cause she was takin’ more pikchurs, dis time of Katie, who was wunning through da grass like a crazed wabbit! Or maybe a crazed wabbit on steroids!
Katie the Rabbit
Of course, Katie loved da grass ’cause she’s tall and she could leap through it in single bounds. Yeah, it makes her sound like SuperDog, which she’s not. More like StupidDog, but dat’s anoder subject for anoder blog!
I haf to say though, an if ewe tell her I sed dis, I will deny it wid my dying breath…watching Katie wun through the grass is poetry in motion. She’s wuns weally pretty and has such a good time! She’s such a goofy puppy!
Okay, like I sed, not a wurd to Kooky Katie.
Mom did take one pikchur of Katie dat was weally pretty. I guess I shud show it to ewe, but den I need to get back to being meen to her and writin’ de rest of my blog about da kountry.
Katie the Doberman
Meanwhile, back at the ranch…
So, Mom finished takin’ pikchurs and I figgered, “okay, now she’ll pick me up!” Did she? No! I swear, I weally need to haf a talk wid her about her wesponsibilities as a wiener owner! She needs to wealize dat we shudn’t haf to be forced to walk wen der are perfectly good arms around to carry us back! Instead, we wunned all da way back to da house, in da soppin’ wet grass after getting in da dirt in the icky, cobweb-filled barn. I meen, take a look at how wet I am!
Kiss my patootie!
See dat face? Ewe know what it’s saying? Yep, dat’s right. Kiss my patootie, Mom! I’m wet, my paws are filthy, and der wasn’t even a cow in sight to give me sum ice cream or Frosty Paws! Sheesh! What a wasted twip!
My Tongue is Falling Out!
An look at how long my tongue is! It’s a wunder it didn’t fall wight out of my mouth! I was one pooped wiener, I tell ewe!
After da barn fiasco, I promptly went inside da house, told Mom in no uncertain terms dat I wudn’t ever go to a barn again unless I saw weal evidence of manure and cows, and dat I was going to Nanny’s for a nap! She jest looked at me and sighed as she often does.
Gizmo, my boyfriend (not!)
While I was at Mamaw’s, I got to see Gizmo, my boyfriend. Or so he tinks. Gizmo is a Miniature Pinscher. Mom took sum pikchurs of him an posted dem awhile back. He’s handsome enough, but jest not my type. I like ’em a little bit taller. For one, all he does is lick my neck, like dat’s gonna make me like him or sumthin. I told him, “Gizmo, I’m not a lollipop. Stop lickin’ my neck!” but he jest keeped doing it. Ick! Boys! Katie twied to get him to play wid her, but all he wud do was growl and go back to twyin’ to lick my neck. I tink Gizmo needs a new hobby.
Seeing my Nanny
I did get to see my Nanny while I was in Arkansas. Nanny is Mamaw’s Mom and my Mom’s grandma. I love my Nanny! She holds me and loves me and tells me how sweet I am!
Note to Mom: Listen to Nanny and copy everyting she does, okay?
I waited each mornin’ for Nanny to get up, den I raced over to her door and waited for Mom to take me in, den I got to sit in Nanny’s lap forever! It was the best ting in the world. I wud gif her da best kisses and she jest giggled. Den she wud hold me in her arms like a baby and rock me. I love my Nanny sooo sooo much! Here’s a pikchur of me and my Nanny. Aren’t we the prettiest things?!
Y’all Come Back Now, Ya Hear?
All in all, I tink my twip to da kountry was fun, but I tink before I goes back, I might haf to check wid Papaw and see if he’s mowed da lawn or not. Or at least cut me a path to da barn. Oh, and I tink I’ll ask Papaw if he cud get sum cows up der ’cause dat wud weally be good to haf sum ice cream in da barn once I wunned so hard to get der! An maybe Mamaw cud haf sum ice cream waitin’ for me when I gots back to da house. Or maybe at least a ham sandwich or sumthin!
Well, all ewe wieners, hope ewe enjoyed my post. And as dey say in Arkansas, “Y’all come back again weal soon, ya hear?”
Happy Birthday, Grady, I miss you!
Hey, all ewe wiener lovers! Okay, first ting ewe might notice is I’m typin’ like I normally tweet! Whut does dis meen for all my loyal readers? Well, it meens my spellin’ an grammar ain’t too good. Mom an I had a weally long diskussion about it and although she tinks dat I shud spell my stuff right, I told her, “Mom, look…my fans like da way I talk, so ewe jest need to get ofer urself and let me type like I want!” She jest shook her hed at me and sighed. She does dat a lot!
I nos I promised more about my birth story, but today I wanna talk about my big brother, Grady. Today is his birfday an he wud haf been 11 years old. Yeah, dat meens he’s gone on to da Rainbow Bridge last year. I miss him oh so much an I know Mom does, too. He was my giant bubby, so I’m gonna tell ewe a wittle bit about him…
Baron Grady O’Malley (Grady)
Grady was a weally big Doberman Pinscher who weighed, like, I dunno, maybe like a thousand pounds! Well, maybe not dat much, but he was weally big, like 138! Wen I met Grady, I was a wittle whippersnapper an only wayed like, not even a pound! I went up to him, sniffed him weally good, and ewe no whut he did?! He was skeered! Seeriously, the big galoob was skeered to death of me! Don’t belief me? Look at dis pikchur!
So, wight afer dat happened, I sed, “Look, big guy, I promise I’m not gonna hurt ewe. I jest wanna get one ting straight, okay?” He looked at me wid dos big brown eyes, an sed, “Let me guess…ur in charge?” I toll him, “Wow, ur weally smart for a Doberman!” He jest sighed weally big, too. I dunno how come everyone sighs around me so much!
Later, he toll me dat his older broder, Tyler, used to be in charge, so he was used to it. Grady never was one to care who was in charge, jest so long as someone was in charge of fillin’ da food bowl!
My big broder, Grady, was a weally awesome dog. When I was wittle bitty, he wud let me take da toys away frum him, even tho I nos he cud prolly eat me wid one bite! He never, ever, ever even growled at me, even tho I was sumtimes meen to him. I wud snap and snarl, an even twied to hump his leg a few times! I dunno if dogs roll der eyes, but I figger Grady prolly rolled his a time or two wid me when I was a silly little wiener puppy!
Da thing dat I loved about Grady more dan anything in da world is dat he wud let me sleep on him! I wud crawl up on him, snuggle in, and he never made me move ever! Once, he was weally tired and rolled over on me. I guess he thought dat since I always slept on him, he cud on me, too. Well, while it mite haf been a photo op for mom, it did kinda squish me! Jest look…I’m a wittle freaked out!
Best friends
Aktually, I was okay until he snored. Geez louise! Talk about rattle da rafters! Mom took tons of pikchurs, den made dis one into a pet greeting card for TylerDog Cards. I tink it’s my favorite card of all time ’cause it has my bubby an me on it.
After havin’ him in my life for five whole yeers, my sweet broder, Grady, died last year at da age of 9 yeers old. Der isn’t a day dat goes by dat I don’t tink of him. I miss how he used to let me sit between his paws an chew on him. An I miss how he wud always go outside wid me to make sure nothin’ ever got me. I miss how he wud come running if I ever barked, jest to make sure everything was all wight. An I weally miss how we used to sing wen da fire trucks went by…boy, were we ever a doo-et! I guess, wen it’s all sed an done, I jest miss my big brother.
Rest in peace, sweet Grady. I love ewe…
My birth story
Hey, all you wiener lovers! Hope you had a very safe and happy 4th of July! It was fairly uneventful around here. Well, other than Katie quaking with fear every time a firecracker went off. I hate to admit it, but even I felt sorry for her!
Okay, as promised, today is the story of my birth. I was born January 20, 2003. Now, as you can see from my picture above, I was a very tiny little baby! What happened was, my Papa, who happens to be my Momma’s nephew, wanted a Miniature Dachshund. Momma said he could finally get one after her old Dobie, Tyler, passed away. I never met Tyler, but from what I heard, he was an awesome Doberman who lived to be 13 years old! More on him later.
So the search was on for a most amazing wiener puppy!
Our Mamaw, who is my Momma’s Mom and my Papa’s Grandma (see, I told you I have a weird family structure!), just happened to find me in the hills of Arkansas. Can you say road trip?! When they got there, my Papa fell in love with me. Can you blame him? I mean, just look at how darn cute I am!
I was so very tiny! I was nine weeks old in the picture above and weighed less than one pound! I have chew toys bigger than that! But my Momma and Papa loved me! Of course, they also christened me with that godawful Star Trek moniker I spoke of earlier, so I question exactly how much they loved me! But it’s all good. I ended up with a cool name, Jazzy the Amazing Wiener! Okay, so maybe I added “…the amazing wiener” part, but it’s true and you know it!
So that’s the end of the story.
Not really…
Just wanted to make sure you were still paying attention. 🙂
Next thing you know, I have to go to the doggie hospital ’cause my poo didn’t look good (yes, you get all the gory details in this blog! and what’s even worse is that Mom looked at my poo. Ick!). The doggie doctor told my Momma I caught something at my previous home, I was very sick, and might not make it! Plus, on top of that, I was very skinny to be nine weeks old even though my little belly was fat! Oh, and to make things even worse, my fontanelle (the soft spot on the top of a baby’s skull) wasn’t closed! He told Momma it didn’t look good!
(If this were a Grey’s Anatomy episode, dramatic music would be cued about right now, McDreamy would be looking grim, and Meredith would look, well, like freaked-out Meredith always looks!)
Back to the story. Mom had just lost Tyler and she was determined she wasn’t going to lose me, so she and my Papa took turns feeding me every few hours and giving me medicine. They watched me like a hawk! Looking back, it explains the weird dreams of giants looming over me that I had as an infant!
In just a few weeks, I bounced back with a vengeance and next thing you know, I’m up eating kibble like a pro! The plate’s bigger than me, but by golly I still ate like the little piglet I am!
Granted, I still wasn’t very big, but I knew I was going to turn out to be one amazing wiener, which I have done! That was a whole six years ago and boy, do I have a lot of stories to tell over the past six years. I’ve been through a lot for a little wiener. These Hollywood stars, they ain’t got nothing on me for drama and excitement!
Like next up, when Momma and Papa brought me home, they introduced me to a giant dog that weighed 138 pounds! And I’m not kidding when I say giant. He was a mutant! He could have been Primus in Transformers! They put me on the floor with this huge, black dog that looked like me, but I tell ya, his paw was bigger than my head! That’s the next story you get to hear: meeting the infamous Grady the Doberman!
A little trivia about our first meeting: Grady was scared of me! 🙂
So, that’s the story of my birth. Like I said, I bounced back with a vengeance! The picture below shows me only a few weeks after my near-death experience. Don’t I look cute?!
Until then, all you wiener lovers, this is Jazzy the Amazing Wiener saying live long and prosper! Oh, my dog! Where did that come from?! See, Mom, you’ve ruined me with your Star Trek stuff! Sheesh!
Later wieners!
Love, Jazzy the Amazing Wiener